23-12 Panic Thread

Well it’s [that time of year](https://reddit.com/r/MkeBucks/comments/zy3p27/the_bucks_are_2212_through_34_games_and_i_dont/) again, we’re 35 games into the season and New Year’s Eve is appropriately right around the corner. You know what that means, it’s time to **FUCKING PANIC**! That’s right North Korea has ballistic missile capability for their nukes, we’ve eclipsed 419 parts per million in daily average carbon dioxide concentration, and there are probably ~74 million lizard people but it’s Bucks basketball that’s going to kill me.

First off, ~~Jason Kidd~~Mike Budenholzer can’t coach his way out of a paper bag. Or even a plastic one. Maybe, maybe he could coach his way out of one of those cloth totes that environmentally conscious people carry with them to the store. You know the ones worn by people who look like they expect a “congratulations” every time they’ve successfully completed their shopping and have made it back to the register. Like carrying your own organic mayonnaise substitute out of the store in your own fancy fucking bag is worthy of a Purple Star. That doesn’t make you better than me. It’s like Bitch, I could have biked here– you don’t know. Don’t look at me or my three plastic bags full of chips ahoy ever again.

Where was I? Oh right, Mike Budenholzer is not good, let’s just put it that way. I’m saying this as a four time consecutive champ in my 2k league, so I think I know what I’m talking about. For instance, he’s been a coach in the league for 26 full seasons and has only made the playoffs 24 times. And he hasn’t made the playoffs yet this year, so that basically makes him 24/27 (AKA ~89%, a not-perfect grade in most academic institutions). I mean how how long does it take him to figure out rotations? 35 games? …36 games? …37 games? …38 games? I could go on. …39 games? 40 games? More?! How many games even are there in a season? No, really I don’t know. Is it more than 40? I’m just a conceited Packers fan that doesn’t pay attention/ watch NBA games until April. But I have heard the terms “pick n roll” and “the triangle offense” before and if asked to use them in a sort of vague, indiscernible fashion within a sentence, I could probably do it. So I know my opinions are valid.

Point being we’re straight, big time, totally and absolutely fucking doomed. This team acts like they’ve never played a game of basketball together before. It’s uncomfortable and often hard to watch. It’s like watching a live feed of a youth group dance at a Boston middle school– you know like their parents told them they had to be there but they’d really rather be home playing video games or shitposting in /r/politics so instead they just sort of waddle back and forth with no rhythm or anything. I’m telling you, I’ve seen more chemistry in the back of my local RV park meth trailer. And I don’t necessarily mean the cooking process, I just think Ricky and Sue Ann have a healthy relationship. But to get back on track; you’d think that each and every individual on this team had been living somewhere else this offseason and, until they were contractually obliged to or covertly kidnapped and forced to live in Milwaukee via some sort of Oldboy or Saw scenario, hadn’t ever been teammates before. When in reality that’s only the case for 8 players out of the 15 man roster.

And how are we losing to teams like the Rockets and the Bulls? Neither team has played a single game of post season basketball in years!

Here’s some facts we need to acknowledge if we don’t want to become a full fledged disaster-event the scale of the Lusitania or No Man’s Sky:

**Trade:**

-George Hill for a conditional 2nd rounder in the G-League draft

– We all know Hill is human garbage and the single worst basketball player in the history of the world but has anyone checked to see if this isn’t just a metaphor? Like maybe “George Hill” isn’t an actual person but really a humanoid conglomeration of cardboard, trash bags and loose sticks that have drifted communally together from New Orleans and averaged 5 and 2 for us? Worth looking in to.

-Joe Ingles for a 2nd round draft pick in the real draft

– How did this middle-aged person end up on our team? I thought he was in Australia or some shit. We’re not seriously planning on giving him minutes are we? Are we?

-Khris Middleton for Gary Payton II straight up

– Everyone in /r/NBA says we made a mistake in trading Gary Payton away AND we waived Gary Payton II TWICE. And /r/NBA is infallible.

-Jrue Holiday for a 1st

– Maybe there’s a team that needs a scrappy defender to fill their dawg quota?

-Brook Lopez for a 1st

The only player in the history of back surgery make a 200 percent recovery. AProbably worth something.

-Giannis Antetokounmpo for Christian Wood and a 1st

– Remember the good ol’ days with Christian. Yeah, he was the best. Things clearly haven’t been the same since he left. Literally everything was perfect before then. I think… Wait or was it Brandon Jennings when everything was perfect?

-Bobby Portis for 2 2nd rounders and Dean Wade

– Bobby loves Cleveland. I know. I’ve heard him say it. The bastard. Let’s break up with him before he breaks up with us. “Maybe in some other universe in some other time we could have worked out. Bobby, I want you to know it’s me not you. Okay? I treasure our friendship and I wouldn’t want to lose that so let’s stay friends… I hear you can use some.”

-Jordan Nwora for… Uh oh. Oh shit.

– Who the hell is going to take on this contract? Who typed up this deal in the first place? Are we high? Did B-Easy smoke Horst out while watching Damian Lillard highlights and then did Horst just get confused the next day at practice? Fuck. Best case scenario we enter the [Nworazord](https://i.imgur.com/r3GmoYA.jpg) into a bunch of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” game shows and just hope that he has somehow accumulated a random smorgasbord of trivia knowledge that is exactly correct and we earn his contract money back. Also we bring back his old haircut.

**Produces terrible cooking shows that no one likes and eats too much weird shit:**

– Serge Ibaka
– u/BaconLawnMowerCats’ cousin Kevin

**Put out to pasture but tell the kids they went to a nice farm where they can shoot as many open threes as they want:**

– A.J. Green
– Steve Novak

**Ban:**

– Cookster

**Start:**

– Thanasis Antetokounmpo
– Sandro Mamukelashvili
– Leroy Jevon Carter
– Jim Paschke
– Keisean Nixon

**Bring back:**

– parsley
– J.O.B.
___
#[The Bucks might as well be 1-2, because this season is toast](https://reddit.com/r/MkeBucks/comments/5ab4rq/12_panic_thread/).

by GreekAlphabetSoup